Inside: 5 practical tips for raising kids with high intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is the ability to be a self-starter and someone who perseveres even when things get tough. These are life skills we can encourage in our kids, despite the oversaturation of external reward systems and behavior charts.
My son was first introduced to color-coded behavior charts in school. Behavior charts or chore charts were never something I did at home because I wanted my son to develop the will to want to be helpful, to want to contribute, to want to work hard — to be intrinsically motivated.
Behavior charts in school were a rude wake-up call for both of us. Much research shows how external reward systems undermine a child’s self-generated motivation to learn.
However, there is other research that shows how this effect has been overstated. Most likely, it depends on the context and delivery. I have seen teachers who do this really well, and it works for them, and I have seen when it doesn’t work as well.
While the research is unclear, it is clear that our culture has an over-reliance on extrinsic motivation: prizes, rewards, grades, behavior charts, wins, achievements etc. As parents and teachers, we need to balance that message with the idea that working hard feels good in and of itself. The idea that a sense of accomplishment is rewarding just for what it is.
Don’t miss the free printable 5 Tips For Raising Kids With Intrinsic Motivation and Cognitive Hardiness at the end of this post, so you have it handy when you need it and support your child’s intrinsic motivation.
What is Intrinsic Motivation?
Defined by Developmental Psychologists Ryan and Deci (2000) as a part of their self-determination theory, intrinsic motivation is a “natural inclination toward assimilation, mastery, spontaneous interest, and exploration that is so essential to cognitive and social development and that represents a principal source of enjoyment and vitality throughout life.”
We see this kind of curiosity, playfulness, and inquisitiveness emerge spontaneously in children from birth.
Intrinsic motivation is related to the concept of growth mindset — the idea that our abilities are not set in stone and that we can learn from mistakes. Still, intrinsic motivation is even more than that. Intrinsic motivation is also related to a certain quality of mental strength known as cognitive hardiness.
Research suggests several aspects that make up the personality trait psychologists call cognitive hardiness. People with cognitive hardiness believe in themselves and their ability to make a difference in the world around them. They are intrinsically motivated to work hard to try again, and they view failure or challenge as a chance to grow and learn.
Cognitive hardiness is something we all want to foster in our kids. We want our kids to:
- Want to do well because it feels good to do well. Not because it is a certain color, a competition, or a reward.
- Have a sense of pride in accomplishment, whether for academics or behavior.
- Understand that everyone has bad days and everyone makes mistakes.
- Be able to get back up when they are knocked down, try again, and persevere.
- Believe in themselves and be confident in their abilities.
Those traits above represent a deep confidence and a deep sense of self that reflects intrinsic motivation.
5 Tips For Raising Kids With Intrinsic Motivation and Cognitive Hardiness
1. Make Room For Mistakes
It is vital for children to not see failure as an endpoint but rather as a beginning. A place from which to grow.
Viewing challenge ( e.g., failure, frustration, disappointment, hard times, obstacles) as an opportunity to learn, grow and become a stronger person is a key part of having cognitive hardiness. Not only to survive stress or challenge but to thrive.
One study found that when children were angry (as opposed to happy or sad), they were more likely to use innovative and out-of-the-box problem-solving strategies when faced with a challenging problem.
Negative emotions, especially frustration and anger, may serve to fuel the motivation needed to persevere.
When your child is frustrated and wants to give up, encourage them to try again. To reset, have a do-over, rewind, to give it another go.
This is true when your child makes a mistake in relationships too. For example, if your child acts impulsively and grabs a toy from another child. After repairing the situation, have a do-over, “let’s try taking turns with that toy again.”
Reflection on your actions and, yes, your mistakes is exactly how growth happens. Especially inner growth.
Learning from your own mistakes, maybe even laughing at yourself, whether these mistakes happen in your work-life or social life, is a priceless life skill.
“If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning. That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise. They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence.”
― Carol S. Dweck, Developmental Psychologist
Researchers have found that adults with cognitive hardiness have less cardiovascular responsiveness to stress, better overall health, better mental well-being, and are more likely to be transformational leaders.
2. Recognize When They Work Hard: Foster a Growth Mindset
When your child really tries — when they work hard at something and put in a lot of effort — recognize it. When they show that they are intrinsically motivated, comment on it so they begin to recognize how they feel when they accomplish something.
“Wow, I love this picture you drew for me! I can tell you really worked hard on it!”
Also, recognize when they themselves are proud. “I can see you are really proud of that story you wrote. Do you know why you are proud? Because you worked so hard on it! I am proud of you too.”
Young children think in a fixed mindset. They don’t naturally assume things can or will change. So, if you usually say something like, “you are so smart!” or “you are so good at math!” They will think that is just how they are. That it is their innate ability that is why they are good at math.
Then one day, they will get a math problem that doesn’t come easily to them. And they will believe that they just don’t have the ability to solve the math problem, and they will give up without putting in much effort.
If, on the other hand, you consistently comment on how hard they work and their effort, they will believe that they did well on the math because they worked at it. So, when they face that more challenging math problem, they will put in a lot of effort instead of giving up easily.
But it isn’t just praising effort — instead, it is about helping your child reflect on how they feel when they work hard at something.
They will believe that with some effort, maybe a lot of effort, they can solve the problem. They will have the belief that they can do it. That is a big part of intrinsic motivation.
And, if it’s hard and they fail, they will try again, which is cognitive hardiness.
This is also related to having a growth mindset.
In a study where parents praised effort (and not inherent characteristics/ability) at 14-38 months of age, their children were more likely to believe their ability was changeable, enjoy challenges, figure out ways to improve, and attribute their success to hard work when they were 7 to 8 years old!
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
― Peggy O’Mara
Give your child the gift of an inner voice that praises perseverance and hard work and fosters their inner belief that they can do it.
3. Break Down Big Goals into Smaller Steps
Sometimes, failure will happen over and over again. This is when kids need extra encouragement to be intrinsically motivated to accomplish something and not give up.
The best way to help your kids learn this is to break down the goal — and recognize their progress.
Today we will ride from our house to that mailbox on your bike.
This time, we are going to try one new food.
Today we will learn the first 5 sight words.
Learning to break down goals into manageable steps is a crucial life skill. A psychology professor once told me not to set myself up for failure by setting huge goals. Just set a goal for today. I will exercise today. Maybe I will tomorrow, maybe not — but I will today.
Setting small goals is how we build habits. It is also how we can teach our kids the importance of practicing and give them the courage to try tough things again and again.
4. Celebrate Successes
Research shows that when praise is deeply sincere, it benefits children’s intrinsic motivation.
Praise has received a lot of bad press — and it is true that praising innate ability or over-praising is problematic.
But sincere and specific praise can enhance the pride a child has naturally:
“It was so kind of you to give your friend a turn with your toy. You had so much fun with her!”
“I am so glad you peed in the potty! Do you feel happy and proud? Let’s do a happy dance!”
“Wow, I love this drawing you did! I can see you really worked hard on it. I am going to hang in up in my office!”
Related Reading: A Better Way to Say Good Job to Your Kids
As a parent, you want to enjoy and share in your child’s successes, and that is what we should do!
But instead of focusing on the person or even the behavior, focus on their feelings (and your feelings) of internal joy.
That, ultimately, is what is truly rewarding. And your child is happy when you are proud. This help builds their own intrinsic motivation.
Happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort. — Franklin D. Roosevelt
Help them recognize those feelings of pride, happiness, and satisfaction that come with hard work, good play, and trying at something repeatedly.
5. Foster a Sense of Gratitude
Recent research shows that regularly practicing gratitude can increase focus in school and help students be resilient when facing difficulties in learning.
On your child’s worst days, help them see the silver lining or something they can be thankful for. Even when times are tough, seeing the good in the world helps kids remain optimistic. This helps strengthen their beliefs that they can do good in the world, a hallmark of cognitive hardiness.
At the very least, gratitude can help your child think about problems in a new way and boost their mood. Encouraging them to be motivated to try to solve the problem again — to have the intrinsic motivation to overcome.
Perseverance, trying again and again, is fueled in equal parts by frustration, hope, and optimism. It gratefulness that can bolster that hope and optimism at times when frustration threatens to take over, and kids want to give up.
The best way to develop a sense of gratitude in your kids is to start a practice together. This could be as easy as sharing around the dinner table something each member of the family is grateful for, starting a gratitude wall (see an example in this post), or starting a gratitude journal with your kids.
Here are some prompts that could use for any of these activities:
What are you Thankful For Today?
How did someone help you today?
Who do you want to thank today?
What are you proud of?
Books On Growth Mindset, Perseverance, and Intrinsic Motivation
I love using books to teach children about emotions, behaviors, and other life lessons. Here are some of our favorite books about having intrinsic motivation, perseverance, and a growth mindset.
For some more book recommendations, check out this post: Books that Help Kids to Be Brave, Bounce Back, and Build Resilience.
Big Life Journal: Growth Mindset for Kids 7 to 10I’m Fun, Too!I Can’t Do That, YET: Growth MindsetThe Girl Who Never Made MistakesThe Most Magnificent ThingThe Girl Who Thought in Pictures: The Story of Dr. Temple GrandinThe Book of MistakesAfter the Fall (How Humpty Dumpty Got Back Up Again)Mistakes that Worked: 40 Familiar Inventions & How They Came to BeThe Thing Lou Couldn’t DoBeautiful Oops!Peter Reynolds Creatrilogy Box Set (Dot, Ish, Sky Color)Whistle for WillieUnstoppable Me!: 10 Ways to Soar Through LifeRosie Revere’s Big Project Book for Bold Engineers
Love this post? You will also love…
What to do next…
1. Get advice from Dr. Ashley Soderlund sent right to your inbox. ❤︎
2. Emotional and mental wellness begins at home.
Get the tools you need in my shop! Digital printables you can instantly download and print to foster connection, emotion regulation, and more! Check out the Nurture and Thrive Shop.