Inside: Parenting a 2-year-old takes a certain finesse. It is a balance between teaching them basic rules and their growing need for independence. Understanding your 2-year-old’s development helps you win their hearts, their cooperation, and end your frustration!
The first time I did research with two-year-olds was a wake-up call. Previously, I had only worked with little babies and older children.
It is quite challenging to study the development of emotions and cognition in babies but believe me, two-year-olds were on a whole other level.
A two-year-old’s newfound sense of independence and self-hood makes them primed to challenge rules. And that is exactly what they will do—push boundaries, test limits, challenge themselves, and your patience!
I remember it like it was yesterday when the senior researcher told us during training, “Two-year-olds require us to speak a different language.”
He said if you tell a two-year-old, “Don’t bang on the table,” they will only hear “Bang on the table!”
As if it is a prime directive, they will be contrary to what you say, so, you have to find ways to encourage them to cooperate while allowing them to fulfill their need for “I do it myself!”
Here are some of the things I have learned over the years — from doing research with two-year-olds to having my own– that will win your way to your two-year-old’s heart and their cooperation.
8 Tips For Parenting Your Two-Year-old: Win Their Hearts and Their Cooperation
1. Ignore Unwanted Behaviors
Two-year-olds are in the preoperational stage of cognitive development. They literally learn by repeating behaviors over and over.
They will especially repeat behaviors that result in unexpected behaviors or a big reaction.
If they have picked up a bad word from you (never!) or your husband—or the older next-door neighbor kid—ignore it—act like it’s no big deal.
If you act like it is a big deal, they will repeat it again and again and again because they want to see your unusual reaction to them simply saying a word.
Two-year-olds aren’t quite capable of thinking through that saying the word makes you upset. They only think about your reaction to the word, which is big, new, and different. To see that new reaction they try saying that word over and over again. Repetition is how your toddler learns — they are literally strengthening connections in the brain through repetition.
Usually, we want to encourage their behavior and exploration and play along when we are the fairy godmother for the fortieth time in a row.
Only ignore them when it is truly an unwanted behavior.
When my son was 2, he started hitting. We got a book about it, we talked to him, we got emotional and tried to show him how upset we got when he hit. None of that worked. Then I remembered my training from all those years ago, and I said to my husband, let’s try not to react.
We stopped having those big reactions. Instead, we said in a neutral tone of voice, It seems like you are trying to get my attention. Can you try to get it in a better way?
And it worked! Ignoring and not giving a big emotional response made him lose interest in hitting. He had no underlying behavior issues, he didn’t want to hurt us, he wanted a reaction, plain and simple.
2. Surprise them with the unexpected
On the same token, they are completely delighted by unexpected reactions. So, as long as it isn’t a behavior you don’t want to reinforce, surprise them with silly antics.
Try “sneezing” with a hat on and have it fly off your head.
They will reward you with peals of laughter and ask you to do it again and again.
Or pretend something is really, really heavy when it’s obviously not.
Anything unexpected will delight your two-year-old and again, it’s how they learn, so you are laying the foundation for a good sense of humor.
3. Tell Them What They Can Do
For the entire year that your child is two or three, perhaps even when they are four, forget the word: don’t.
Always tell them what they should do, not what they shouldn’t.
Instead of don’t run — use your walking feet.
Instead of don’t yell — use your inside voice.
And even better — make it fun. Instead of walking feet — say let’s waddle like a duck.
Or just refocus or redirect them by telling them what they can do:
Instead of “Don’t jump on the bed”, say — “You have a lot of jumping energy; jump on these pillows on the floor!“
Using positive language helps to direct or redirect their behavior — gives them an action to comply with, something to do, rather than having to stop a behavior or inhibit an impulse.
4. Give them Jobs
Harness their newfound sense of self by putting them in charge of something. This will build up their sense of mastery.
This is a great tip for gaining your two-year-olds cooperation.
Whatever it is you need to do, have them be a part of it. Put them in charge of the garage door opener when you need to leave the house. Or, at the grocery store, have them point to the items that you need, “Can you find the bananas?“
Research shows that allowing toddlers to help, even when helping might mean more of a mess than if you did it yourself, really pays off in the long run. Toddlers are naturally inclined to want to help, and when nurturing that instead of stifling it, they are more likely to volunteer to help around the house when they are much older.
This works around the house as well. Instead of telling your toddler what to do, ask for their help in a way that bolsters their sense of independence and captures their imagination:
- Ask your toddler to find all the lost toys and return them where they belong.
- Next time you are doing laundry, your toddler can help their clothes leap into the hamper.
- In the kitchen, your toddler can use a dustpan to catch all of the runaway crumbs on the floor in the kitchen.
Describe the chores in ways that tell a story, and you will capture their attention and cooperation!
5. Break Down Big Requests
Instead of asking your child to put on their shoes — which involves a few steps, break it down into one or two steps at a time.
First, get their shoes: “Let’s hop like a bunny to the shoes!“
Encourage them to want to put on their shoes: “Which shoes will you choose today? The orange ones or the blue ones?“
If they refuse, do something surprising — “Okay, I’ll put the shoe on — where does it go? Here on your hand.“
When they have stopped laughing, say, — “I forgot where to put the shoes. Do you know where to put your shoes? Do they go on your nose? On your head? Oh, your feet!! Do you know how to put them on your feet?“
6. Name and Acknowledge Their Emotions
Two-year-olds are learning what emotions are, and they express them in primal ways, not in socially accepted ways.
It is essential to teach them first to name their emotions and second, that their feelings are meant to be felt — that emotions are okay.
How they express their emotions might not be okay… for example, you might name and acknowledge them by saying: “It’s okay to be angry, but it is never okay to hit.“
Naming the emotion is the first step in learning how to express emotions in better ways.
Acknowledging children’s emotions and telling them it’s okay to feel how they feel helps them to understand emotion and leads to better empathy and prosocial behaviors, especially in boys.
Talking about emotions is also associated with more sharing and helping behaviors in toddlers.
When you start this conversation about emotions, you are listening to their hearts.
In response, they will feel like it is safe to express those emotions to you. And you will be helping strengthen those tenuous connections in their still-developing emotion-regulation parts of the brain.
I love this printable toolkit for emotions (picture below)! This toolkit teaches toddlers to learn their emotions and how to express them — 1. How do I feel? Name the emotion. 2. What do I want? Comfort, Space, or Silliness?â„¢
These beautifully illustrated characters make abstract and sometimes overwhelming emotions more easily identifiable and manageable.
7. Give Them Predictability
One of the most challenging times for kids is transitions: getting ready to leave or come back home, getting ready for bed, or getting ready in the morning.
Two-year-olds do not have a real sense of time. To them, it can seem arbitrary and controlling when we say, It’s time to turn off the TV and come eat dinner.
And so they protest (understatement!).
Having some predictability in their lives will help them feel in control and lead to fewer tantrums. I don’t like to have a rigid routine, but having some anchor points they can count on can reduce transition-time tantrums.
Anchors can be daily or over long periods of time. Taco Tuesday or pizza night are examples of weekly anchors. For picky eaters or kids with mealtime sensitivities, some predictability in what they eat can work wonders.
A flexible routine would include some things a two-year-old can count on, a relatively consistent time to eat, nap, and play, and a consistent series of steps for getting ready for bed and for leaving the house.
In a large study, researchers found that having a consistent bedtime routine is directly related to better sleep. Children with a regular bedtime routine fell asleep faster, had an earlier bedtime, had fewer night wakings, and slept longer than children who did not have a regular bedtime routine!
I love these printable routine charts and cards (pictured above). You can set them up however you want in a way that works for your house. It is also easy to change it up if you need to. I wish I had these when my son was two!
Giving children some predictable anchors helps them to have a sense of control and thus, fewer tantrums.
8. Try a Feeling Break (a more flexible kind of time-in)
Time-outs vs. time-ins — what’s the difference? There is much debate among psychologists on this topic. What I have found through experience is that parents need a flexible strategy that always puts feelings first.
The difference from a time-out is that you don’t ignore your child; you simply ask them to pause. You don’t tell your child to ‘calm down’; you tell them to take the time to feel their feelings. The difference from a time-in is that you always look for the root emotion under the behavior first, you allow space when needed by you or your child, and you include a time break for reflection.
Read more on how to do a Feeling Break here and see real-world examples.
Two-year-olds are special. Trust me, it won’t be long before they’re six and you’ll wish you could still fold them up in your arms and carry them around when life gets hard. As much as this time is challenging, it is also joyful. Connect to their heart, listen to their soul, and the “terrible” twos won’t seem terrible at all.