Inside: Three quick calming strategies for kids to help them work through their biggest emotions. These calming techniques lay a foundation for strong emotion regulation in later life.
When kids have big emotions, we often say “calm down” without showing them how to do that. Or we say “take a deep breath”, “stop crying”, or “it will be okay.”
Whether we mean to or not, when we say those things we are only giving abstract comfort at best and minimizing how they feel at worst.
These three simple calming strategies don’t minimize their feelings but give your child concrete actions to do that can help them work through the emotion — these are foundational emotion regulation tools.
Learning to regulate emotions is a skill your child will slowly acquire over time in childhood and is tied to the underlying development of the brain.
Five-year-olds are much better than two years olds in regulating emotions, but even older kids need strategies to help them (and we as adults do too!).
Three Quick Tips to Help Kids Calm Down
1. Teach your child that emotions can change: Turn that frown upside down!
Young children think about things as being fixed and unchangeable, and they view emotions this way too. They don’t realize that this emotion they feel isn’t going to last forever. Your child also doesn’t know they have the power to change their emotions.
This tip is great when kids are grumpy or grouchy.
How to Do It
First, name the emotion: “You seem grumpy today. Do you remember you can turn that frown upside down? You can change that grumpy face into a happy face?” Then demonstrate by over-exaggerating a frown and then a smile — make it silly and fun.
Make it a game until your child is turning that frown upside down! I follow up by saying — “You did it! You turned your frown upside down! You changed how you felt inside. Do you feel better? Now let’s have a wonderful day!”
There is actually quite a bit of research that shows that forcing a smile makes you feel happier and can even reduce stress.
2. Teach your child mindful breathing: Blow out the birthday candle!
Sometimes emotions can get really out of control and in the midst of crying or having a tantrum, you can see your child really can’t calm down. You know — that can’t catch a breath sobbing cry that breaks your heart in two. Even if they want to stop crying, they just can’t.
In these situations, the best thing you can do is to get your child to breathe. But when they are really upset saying “take a deep breath” won’t work.
B
When kids are really upset you may need something they can visualize to help them take a deep breath — like imagine that they are blowing buddles or blowing out a birthday candle.
How to Do It
Hold up one finger and say blow out the candle! Once your child does this a few times, make your finger fall down, like it was blown down. You may see a few smiles shine through their tears.
Once your child is calm you can begin to work through the feelings. Breathing helps to reverse the stress response that comes with big emotions allowing children to be calm again.
Alternatives to blowing out the birthday candle: pretend you are blowing bubbles, pretend you are blowing a dandelion, breathe like a dragon, or blow on a pinwheel.
3. Teach your child anger management: Throw away that angry ball!
Anger and frustration can be really useful emotions in the right amount. Frustration can help kids stay on task until it is done and increase determination. But too much anger does the opposite.
Anger is a normal emotion — but children don’t know how to regulate anger. Often children are angry in response to having a goal blocked. Anger can help kids get through obstacles and persevere — but often times, the obstacle is one that can’t or shouldn’t be overcome — like a rule you have in place to keep them safe.
A
The anger itself isn’t something bad — but your child needs help to manage those big feelings.
How to Do It
First, name the emotion. “You seem angry/frustrated. Is it because you can’t _______? I see a big angry ball in you! It’s too much anger! Let’s throw some of it away!” Then demonstrate throwing an imaginary ball as hard as you can.
This helps your child release a little bit of that anger by pretend throwing. Once they have done the throwing as hard as they can they usually feel a little bit better.
For more on helping kids manage anger see: Teach Your Child to Manage Anger.
Once your child is calm again be sure to talk with them about the emotion they were feeling. Name the emotion and help them to understand why they felt that way. Then talk about what they might try next time or use it as an opportunity to understand your child better and what their triggers might be.
Emotions aren’t bad, we don’t want to get rid of emotions, we want to regulate them. Emotions are raw energy. We can teach our children how to harness that energy so that can work through their emotions and be all the stronger for it.
Ashley Soderlund, Ph.D.
Here’s a free printable to help you and your child remember the strategies. Click the image to print.
What tricks do you use to help your kids regulate? Comment below! I’m always looking for new ways to help kids calm down!
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As always, I love your posts! My girls love to pretend that they are holding a cup of hot cocoa, then then take a deep breath in to “smell” the cocoa, and then a deep breath out to “cool it off.”
Oh that’s a good one! The angry ball is new at our house and it’s working really well right now.
Great tips – think I’m going to try the ‘angry ball’ one
Thank you! I hope it works for you. It has really worked for us– it’s a way to break the tension and give them a chance to regulate.
Great simple suggestions that work! I like the angry ball. I haven’t tried that with my children. I am sure I will have an opportunity soon 🙂
Thank you Natasha!
I actually have a question…
My 20 month old has started throwing terrible tantrums about 2 weeks ago. And its getting worse.
The advice I was given by the Docter where the first tantrum took place, was to ignore him and not give him a hug until a couple of minutes after he had calmed down. This goes against what I believe, I feel that you need to help him understand the emosions he is feeling and help him to deal with it.
However, he has now started sticking his hands in his mouth to throw-up when he is angry.
I honeslty am at a loss. Do I start ignoring my baby boy?
Hello Hendrika,
I’m glad you asked this question. It’s always hard to answer when I don’t know the context and haven’t observed the situation with my own eyes, but I’ll give you my gut feel based on what you wrote. First of all, I’m sorry you feel like you are at a loss– but know that we all feel like that sometimes. We don’t always know what to do and sometimes we have to try different scenarios to see what works. So here is the thing, it sounds like your toddler is doing whatever he can to get your attention. I would give him attention– positive attention, like this: When he starts to get upset, recognize it: “You feel mad.” Then try to identify the cause of his anger “you’re mad because you can’t…” Tell him you understand and that it’s ok to feel mad, but set limits. It’s ok to feel mad, but it’s not ok to throw or hit. Offer him a hug, “I’m sorry you feel mad, would you like a hug?” At this point you can try two things, you can try holding him until he calms down or you can say I want to help you calm down, but if you need to scream I’m going to leave the room for awhile. But when he does calm down reassure him. Ultimately you want to give him other options besides the tantrum, using his words, throwing the angry “ball” etc. But first he has to know that it’s ok to feel angry. At 20 months he has no idea how to express his anger. And anger is a valid emotion. If you accept his anger and offer him comfort over time you will see that his tantrums are not as intense or long– and when they get to that point you can start teaching him other ways to handle his anger. But he has to first know that he can always come to you whatever he is feeling. I recommend his book on tamtrums http://www.amazon.com/Taming-Childs-Tantrums-Harvard-Medical-ebook/dp/B00AQ24XMI.
Thank you Ashley.
I appreciate the feedback and I’m happy to say this sounds like advice that I will definitely try.
Again thank you 🙂
You’re welcome!
how did it go Hendrika? We seem to be seeing a rising incidence of anger among children these days. I have a very angry child too. It’s such a wild emotion it overwhelms them. it was hard but i realised he needed me to be strong and help me feel anchored and stable. he still gets angry easier than most but is also able to calm down faster and laugh at himself! Love wins!
Great article – thanks for sharing! I especially love the bit about blowing out a candle – I too have been told ‘I can’t stop crying!”
Thank you Julie!
i just found this excellent blog! i have written a little book Simple Tips for Happy Kids – because i think happiness is a birthright for children but as adults we have lost touch with it. In fact, our kids help us re-find joy if we let them! I will be sharing the precious nuggets i find here and directing my readers here! Keep it up!
Thanks Jenny!
Hi Ashley,
my 4 year old girl gets irritated over very small things..she does not want that we praise or appreciate other kids..she irritates even if we talk to any child…she is also very attached to her grandmother and never let us talk to her when she is home or over call. my daughters screams and shouts that don’t talk to my grandmother,only i will talk to them and shouts loudly and cry ,until we convince her that we won’t talk to her grand mother.please help me with ur suggestions.
Neha, I’ve sent you an email. Thanks for your comment!
Thanks Ashley,
i am trying playing this game…i appreciate that u replied that too with a good game idea.
i will share the feedback after few days..
Thank you very much.